Depression

1. I know that I’ve realized how I suffered from this sickness a few years back.

2. But thinking back, I think I’ve been suffering from it many years ago. Even during my university days.

3. It triggered really bad roughly 3-4 years ago.

4. And I feel that it doesn’t get any better. It got worse after my father passed away.

5. I tried to speak to people but I think it’s hopeless. People will never understand.

6. I’m fortunate that I have my wife and children now, but I fear that if I keep on hurting them, what’s there left for me?

7. I feel hopeless. Failure. Terrible. Don’t feel like doing anything. Quitting.

8. I’ve been looking at my phone thinking to call mental health care number.

9. But I just didn’t have the courage to hit the call button.

10. I might need help. I just don’t know. I’m a terrible father. Not a good husband.

11. I just hope I don’t hurt my loved ones again before it’s too late.

12. My clock is ticking.

……

This sickness occurs almost everyday. People will never understand.

It’s like having a fever everyday. But you know how to treat a fever.

You can eat paracetamol. You can measure your temperature.

But this? You just make fake smiles everyday.

And nobody knows how hurtful it is everyday.

…….

Drowning in hopelessness,

Abu Umar

My mind, exceptional.

Nobody knows what's on my mind. I could not tell so I keep it.

Because it is something complicated that nobody can really feel in order to understand.

Unless you put yourself in my shoes, then you might understand. How big are they. The scars.

All of them.

It is something needed to feel in order to understand.

All of them, however, are not something for everybody to know. Something private in which, it makes nobody could understand.

But once you knew, you would know, how much burden I had keep in my mind for all these times.

And you would feel, behind every words, in every expression, in every action, consists of something meaningful.

And you would indeed notice, for every single smile, lies some exceptional burden, and scars I always keep, in every single second of my life.


Demotivated,

Top Three Summer Target

1. I am waiting for something.

2. I may call it my Top Three Summer Target.

3. The first one: Ramadhan.

4. This coming Ramadhan could be my last Ramadhan, or it could be my first Ramadhan to keep up a strong momentum.

5. So I wish I could spend my Ramadhan the best as I could.

6. The second one: London Olympic 2012.

7. Some says something, some kind of disaster, would happen in the Olympic.

8. I am more than willing to wait if it really happens.

9. The third and final one: my Summer vacation to Malaysia.

10. My flight would be after Eidul Fitr, just a short two weeks vacation.

11. I hope I could settle some important matters when I return to Malaysia in those two short weeks.

12. Always, for sure, in the name of Allah.


Keep on waiting,

Marriage

1. Marriage is not one small thing.

2. It is something really big, that it could change the pace of your life.

3. The importance of marriage can not be taken lightly.

4. If you ever feel to get into marriage, you may think this way.

5. Imagine you are in a situation, where you have to carry your wife and your children to cross a river of fire on one thin string.

6. If you have no confidence, low down your wish to get married by fasting.

7. If you have the determination, strength and confidence, then you may go on.

8. Because once you succeed, you just made yourself another candidate to lead the front line of our brotherhood.

May Allah will always bless you.


Good luck,

Wrist Watch

1. I just lost my watch earlier today.

2. It is the second time in my life that I lost my dearest watch.

3. Although I am not someone who would really cry over a lost material, I just feel so sorrow because both watches have sentimental values to me.

4. The first one, was something really meaningful.

5. I was just speechless. I could not even talk about it again. I could not even describe how meaningful it was to me.

6. It was a 20 years-old watch inherited from my father.

7. A gold watch, bought by my father when he was at University.

8. I couldn't tell how happy I was when he gave it to me.

9. I had an unimaginable childhood in which I spent my high school just to impress my father.

10. Because he was so strict and busy that I can count how many times he taught me about life.

11. I was desperate to seek acknowledgement from my father, so when he inherited his watch, I was just so happy.

12. But it was about 5 years ago, I lost that watch at my friend's house.

13. I kept it as a secret because it was so meaningful to me, that it is hard for me to talk about it.

14. Because if I am to tell the story on how I lost that watch, that hurtful memory will scratch again.

15. I spent some times without a watch until my sister gave me one.

16. And a few years later I bought one and my late maternal grandfather inherited another one the last time I met him before he passed away.

17. I could not fit those watches really well. The one gave by my sister, I kept it in a safe place while the other inherited by my late grandfather was fortunately without chains so I could not wear it.

18. The watch that I bought, I don't really like it.

19. Until my future wife gave me one. It was so dearest and meaningful to me.

20. I could forget the hurtful memory about my father's watch.

21. I wore it with pride and love, for a few months until this morning.

22. I went to Seoul Central Mosque for Fajr prayer after a very long exhausted journey.

23. My mind was just half awake.

24. I forgot to take my watch I left after I finished using the toilet.

25. And I woke up this morning finding I was so careless and half awake that I forgot to take my watch.

26. I was speechless again.

27. It was really a traumatic experience.

28. My heart went blank. I just can't have the feeling to wear another watch again. Ever.

29. Only a picture of that watch can I keep, it was a beautiful memory though, Mia Nanaz.

30. A beautiful name I just made up for you, I hope you will forever be in my heart. Rest in peace.



"Kenangan Semalam, Senandung Semalam"




Heartbroken,

I Say

I am someone who thinks critically and can be very direct, sometimes.

So, if anybody got hurts with my words, I am sorry.

Because I thought people are brave enough to face reality.

Written by,

Kata-kata

Muda2 ni nampak cantik bagai la..fizikal tu tak kekal..yang kekal sampai mati tu hati dan sifat manusia..wanita tu nampak cantik bila hati dia cantik..biarla buruk mana pun fizikal hang wahai wanita sekalian, kalau hati tu cantik sopan lemah lembut, lelaki mana pun boleh cair..true story.

Catatan,